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The 5 Stages of Eating Spicy Things

We’ve eaten a lot of spicy dishes and even more spicy sauces, so we know a thing or two about the different stages you go through when eating them. For those that wonder what it’s like, we’ve outlined a summary of our experiences below.

Arrogance

How hot could it be? They wouldn’t sell it if we couldn’t handle it. It’s a classic line of thought, but some people are just out there to get you. Take the Shinigami Ramen for instance. It was made to kill me. Satori Ramen was hoping it would be too much to handle. If folks thought we could handle anything there wouldn’t be extract sauces. This will be a cake walk, you got this. Your cockiness brought you this far, but then something starts to happen. The heat starts to kick in.

Realization You’ve Made a Mistake / Panic

This is common. The cockiness has worn off and now you have to sit with the decision you’ve made. The food or sauce is already in your mouth and going down the pipes and you realize that you’ve made a terrible mistake. The heat starts to well and the next steps will be worse. There’s a moment where your life flashes before your eyes and you know you’ll never be the same. Start writing your will, because the next five to thirty minutes will be your last.

Body Malfunction

Your body is an amazing thing. When met with spicy foods, it triggers the brain to think that your mouth is on fire. Depending on the SHU you’re dealing with, sometimes it goes into overdrive. You start to sweat uncontrollably, to cool you down. Your nose starts to run, to help cool you down. Your mouth waters, again, to cool you down. The neurotransmitters in your brain start shooting out dopamine and endorphins to offset the pain, giving you a feeling similar to a runner’s high, but this is an unacceptable amount of snot, sweat, and drool. You’re a monster now and you can’t do anything about it. Sometimes there will be so much snot you go deaf (no joke). Everything in your body is telling you “hey this isn’t normal, what did you do” but again, it’s too late.

Acceptance

You did this to yourself, unless it was peer pressure or your friends lied to you (in which case you should get new friends). As the body malfunction starts to fade, the new fate is accepted. Things will never be the same and this is just your life. Maybe you can move somewhere hot where your outsides can feel like your insides. Regardless, it is done and this is fine.

Mortal Dread

Roughly 30 minutes after the ordeal, the real pain starts to kick in and the next day will be spent wondering when you’ll ever be a whole person again. Frequent trips to the bathroom and in extreme cases, massive stomach pains. You promise yourself you’ll never eat anything that spicy again, but you know it’s a lie. The worst part of chasing the spicy dragon is you’ll build up a tolerance and something that was spicy last week will be mild next week. It’s a game that can’t be won, but keep getting after it dear friend. We believe in you.


Of course after all of that, we forget the past and the next time someone recommends something new and spicy you’re all like:

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